experimenting with fear


Possibly a landscape.

Since it’s quite late and I (almost) forgot to write, this will be a more fragmentary and list-like post. In the past few weeks I was moderately productive: I have yet to do any work for my class, but the first test’s deadline is tomorrow so I’ll get to it… later. I also bleached and colourred my hair and now I am blond, which is incredibly fun. Only one friend has seen it in person so I am a bit sad but whatever. I feel great, my wallet does not. I also got a blood test yesterday, which was a First. The day of my hair appointment I ate ramen with my close friend and her friends, along with my sister since she was also doing her hair. She’s purple (thematically consistent).

I’m still house-hunting (or to be more accurate, room-hunting), which is terrifying. Every night (tonight included) I panic, and I’m brought back to the nightmare-having, cold-sweating little girl sitting on a futon in an empty room. When I was a baby I cried for my mom, and even if she (or my dad, who also would come to the rescue) couldn’t physically delete the source of the fear from my brain, I calmed down when I heard their voices. I guess it would be the same now. It’s too bad that I’m 21 and not 2, though. Things in real life are a lot scarier than in my head. I haven’t had a nightmare since mid-elementary school. What am I still afraid of? I could list things, but they would fall under the same categories:

  1. Things that threaten my safety/comfort.
    1. Spiders.
    2. Dust/unidentifiable dirt. (Dust is mainly an allergen, which I try to avoid. Aversion is grouped with fear in this list.)
    3. Public speaking.
    4. My old high school building. That’s a joke, sort of.
    5. People yelling.
  2. Things out of my control.
    1. Also public speaking.
    2. Waiting. (In line, for others, for my turn to present, making phone calls, etc)
    3. Anything I can’t prepare for/experience ahead of time/new things with no prior notice.
    4. The emotions of other people.
  3. Pain.
    1. Going to the dentist.
    2. Meeting up with old friends.

Not an exhaustive list, of course, and most of these are just Things I’d Rather Avoid But I Can Deal With Because I’m A Big Kid Now. Except for spiders. And my thoughts on pain are kind of wishy-washy, considering my bad habits and somewhat masochistic tendencies. I think that’s about it for now. The recommendation for this post is to sleep regularly, which is directed mostly at myself. Goodnight.

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