un-unrelenting

处暑。

Although it’s nearing the end of summer, it’s still uncomfortably hot. Isn’t it August? Why must it be so… tormenting? Climate change should be more merciful to those with weak constitutions.

I’ve had a few thoughts in this past week and a bit but none of them are fully formed, and thus aren’t fit to be published. I mention this only to prove that I have been up and alive. I am walking, talking, writing. I don’t sleep or eat healthily, but that’s asking too much of me.

I watched a bunch of TV dramas in the past few days. As a result, I felt a bit insane. I took a lot of notes and made a lot of sketchy drawings. I have no idea how the days keep passing by. It’s so slow and so fast. I haven’t gotten quality sleep in a while. I wake up from my dreams more tired than when I slept. It’s a mystery to me! I’m not really complaining though. I’m mostly in awe at how things appear to be stagnating but also changing. Maybe my perception is a little wonky these days…

Anyway, I made a short video earlier. Another lesson from this year: it’s okay to not follow through with all these ideas. I mean, the thesis project was pretty risky in the first place. Still pretty good. Making a video every month about my real-life activities, plus two posts a month… yeah. Maybe not.

Also, since I’m still awake, I’ll make a note of where I’m at right now: episode 31 of 鹤唳华亭. It makes me so sad. So miserable. So… envious? Because it’s a story, it’s (still!) simplified. What if, in real life, we had no such roles with clearly defined expectations? What if there was nothing to solve and prevent, no wars to circumvent, no way to prove your competence? How could you fail unwritten expectations? I know the answer. I know that families are wild stuff, complicated and annoying because you care and I care and they all do… but to simplify it even further: as a child, I can hear and see everything. I have been watching for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I just want to hear that I am doing okay. Hey, imagine that. I didn’t fuck it all up. I’m not the best, and I’m not the worst, but I did alright.

Or something along those lines. Since it’s past 5AM, I’ll leave off here. Before I go, though, here’s a micro-list of plans to keep myself accountable:

  1. Casual essays based on the crime shows I watched last week. (ZWCU)
  2. Some digital landscape paintings.
  3. Proper display of work from uni I don’t dislike.
  4. Clean the kitchen/bathrooms one more time before the 4th.
  5. Organize my reference photos.

Okay. Hopefully it’s cooler next month. Until then.

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