谷雨。
I caught my first cold since 2019! It sucks, but also it feels kind of different to be sick as an adult vs as a teenager. I’m less incapacitated in the day-to-day activities, but that may also be because of the things I do to prevent those feelings of desolation (different meds, a humidifier, personal pack of tissues I take with me everywhere, being able to step out and blow the nose really hard, great tasting lozenges, multiple pillows in my bed, and the ability to have a Little Beverage with me at all times). It’s nice not to be a kid sometimes.
I was always a kid who never wanted to grow up. I wanted to be nine forever, god of my own little kingdom, in complete control of the world on my desk and the crazy trains of thought I kept organized in my head. Being a teenager sucked, since I felt completely like a child and knew I was one—but my physical shape betrayed me… and high school was an agonizingly slow chaos. I can’t remember much anymore, unless something pulls a memory out of me, so that’s fun.
Nowadays, I’m having to make it to adulthood. My mom says she’d like if I could be completely independent, which mostly means financially. Can I make a living? Can I find a partner and/or a group of people I can stay connected with? Can I solve interpersonal issues and organize my life well? Can I manage family/home life with the Everything else?
I think I’m doing an alright job. I mean, I was doing fine before too, but being on meds helps a lot with staying consistent and not being overwhelmed. Helps also with being self-aware and evaluating the vitals. Anyway, I’m pretty good at prioritizing things and not letting annoyances become bigger than just that. If there’s a roadblock or rescheduling, I’ll maneuver around that and work with what I’ve got. I’m extremely chill and it’s very cool, except for the part these days where I have to be firm with kindergarteners. It’s hard.
And here’s another thing (a sidenote): I’ve been talking to a lot of people who are well into their careers and asking for their opinions about my plans, and it’s been really helpful. I do have to keep in mind, however, that their advice and experiences are things that worked for them specifically under their particular circumstances. 20-30 years ago, education and art here in Burnaby looked a bit different. Okay, maybe elementary education wasn’t really that different, but art and tech definitely were. What do I represent in this situation? What can I do? Who can I find to help me?
Many questions! I’ve got nothing. I’ve just been busy and scrambled in the head, talking about poetry to kids and not hitting each other and saying nice things instead and also being given coffee and support from teachers. It’s great right now, but once I get bored (inevitably) I’ll have to find something else to do. Hm.
Here’s a poem (from where today’s title comes from):
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