{"id":4885,"date":"2018-02-24T18:46:40","date_gmt":"2018-02-25T02:46:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/?p=4885"},"modified":"2018-02-24T18:46:40","modified_gmt":"2018-02-25T02:46:40","slug":"a-thought-about-progress","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/everyday\/regular-updates\/a-thought-about-progress\/","title":{"rendered":"A Thought About Progress"},"content":{"rendered":"

Changing habits (or getting rid of them) is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Trying to change my mindset is something I’ve been trying to do for a while now, but I think I’ve settled into some kind of… tolerating myself and ignoring the annoying things I don’t want to think about. I procrastinate the worrying, if that makes any sense. So any time I am told to think differently, in order t rid of the old nagging thought cycle, it feels extremely fake. Thinking positively is pretty much impossible. The most I can do is not be negative. Maybe neutral. I can’t think: “Oh, it’s fine, I can do this on time and I won’t fail!”, because automatically I’m thinking a long string of swear words and a couple of violent images. But I can think: “It could be worse. I might as well do the other things I’m worried about first and worry about this one later.” I mean it’s not actually that much better<\/em>, but at least it isn’t worse.<\/p>\n

I also used to be pretty obsessive about wanting to be a better person. I wanted to be someone reliable and trustworthy, someone who wasn’t irrational or made decisions without thinking. I wanted to be an adult, even though I was essentially fresh out of childhood. This was a very unrealistic ambition. I would go through my life and do things that felt contrary to what I would have liked to do, and I would say things that felt artificial to me. I thought also that if I had to consciously make the choice to be nice, I wasn’t actually nice, and therefore I was still a terrible, terrible person who could not be redeemed. This is very dumb. I acknowledge that. But I also haven’t figured this one out, so maybe I’ll do some thinking and experiencing before I talk about it.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I guess you can’t really see progress yet. I’m sure I’ve changed somehow in these past few years, but I’m really bad at evaluating myself. I blank out whenever I think about my thought processes. I’m also simultaneously very pretentious and extremely sad and out of it. Life is truly amazing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Changing habits (or getting rid of them) is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Trying to change my mindset is…<\/p>\n

Continue ReadingA Thought About Progress<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fifu_image_url":"","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[79],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4885","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-regular-updates","excerpt","even","excerpt-0"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4885","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4885"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4885\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4887,"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4885\/revisions\/4887"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4885"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4885"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.yinzhuohan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4885"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}